ARRGH!

Regrets I've had quite a few but none as big as this.
A month has quietly slipped by since our parting, nary a kiss.
The persistent throbbing ache in my chest I feel,
My emotions and heart in vain I try to steel.

And each time I ask myself why things came to pass as it were,
A destructive urge within me starts to stir.
To drink myself drunk and silly,
For those few moments I forget that the world is so chilly.

Be that as it may, I don't really give a fuck.
At least I know that the pain did come unstuck.
And that's all that matters, really.
Since gone forever are the days that were so heady.

Metallica - Fade To Black

Life it seems, will fade away

Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this cant be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now hes gone

No one but me can save myself, but its too late
Now I cant think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

Metallica - Nothing Else Matters

So close no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don’t just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don’t just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No nothing else matters

I Will Grow Up

Today the charge of not understanding my girlfriend was levelled against me. By my girlfriend. No less.

I type today's entry to remind me of what a horrible boyfriend I've been and how I've made my girlfriend suffer. I always thought that my intentions were for the best but never did I realise that she was just asking to be understood. Until today that is.

It dawned on me how much my own insecurities have plagued me and that I have not grown up. And along the way she has been suffering for my stupid behaviour. Yet, she has put up with all that shit that I've thrown at her. I resolve to make it up to her in the best possible way ever. And that way is to simply let her do her thing. I cannot keep wanting to put her world in a bottle so that I can control the environment. Things just don't work that way. I claim to love her but if I cannot even let her have a happy relationship then how can I claim to truly do so?

And while I know I cannot turn back time to the way things were, I will just give her the space and freedom that she craves. If it's not to make the situation progress, then at least to make amends. It's the least she deserves.

Dear, if you're reading this, please rest assured that you will *never* have to deal with that kind of stupidity and neurosis from me again. I'm truly truly sorry for being the source of your pain. I will prove to you this time that I have really grown up and give you the happiness that you deserve.

Southpark: The Anime Episode

A friggin funny spoof on the anime genre by Southpark...

It's Not Easy To Be Me...

Since I don't have the time at hand to comment on the audacity of some people at the moment...

When It Motherfucking Rains, It Motherfucking Pours

It has been one helluva fucked up week.

Last Wednesday my motherfucking laptop screwed up on me.

Then I fell ill on Thursday night with motherfucking fever, motherfucking diarrhoea and motherfucking vomitting. So motherfucking shiok.

After that I found out that it was my motherfucking hard drive that went to Valhalla instead of my cr-rom drive.

So I bought another hard disk at Sim Lim. 160Gb no less.

Only to find out on Thursday that it can't be installed cuz my motherfucking system can only handle a disk of 100GB max.

And so I decided to go home to back up my stuff...

Only to find that my pictures can't be transferred to my other external hard disk. Only way it could be done was to transfer each one individually.

Which took up another 2 extra motherfucking hours ON TOP of the original 3 plus motherfucking hours.

Being frustrated I thought I'd go to school and settle my work. But nooooo....

I realised that I was too motherfucking frustrated to do my work when I was eating the motherfucking disgusting food at the canteen.

So here I am now ranting on my blog about the whole motherfucking mess and all I can hope is that there won't be any more motherfucking nonsense anymore.

Dancing Lessons...

THE axe dance in Kung Fu Hustle...



Now learn how to dance it!!!

The Singapore Idol Show

It amazes me how hypocrites abound in NUS. By right I should be numb by now but apparently not.

Last night, a few of my peers went to the Indoor Stadium to watch Jonathan perform in the finals of Singapore Idol. They had the opportunity to go courtesy of tickets from Jon's mom. So far so good.

Today I found out that one of them voted for Hady and yet proclaimed loudly, when interviewed by the media, that he voted for Jon. Why? Just so that he wouldn't have to be embarassed.

Well I'm all for voting for the best singer and all but surely when you're receiving a benefit from someone, you ought and should return the favour in kind. But nooo.....apparently people think otherwise.

Ok, let's push it a bit more. Let me grant that receiving the ticket does not obligate one to vote for Jon. But surely if you voted for Hady, you shouldn't proclaim that you voted for Jon right? And sound like you're one fuckin' helluva good friend. My god. Amazing.

And there I was wondering if I was not being a good friend (even though we've been team mates and school mates) by not going down to support him. Wondering if I can't even measure up to these NUS 'buddies' who've known him for awhile.

I guess I'm wrong. Thankfully.

Not that I'm trying to show off but I guess I'm a more decent person than most.

The Attentive Father

Last night on train I saw a very moving sight. It was of a father caring attentively for his disabled son. His son was strapped firmly to a pram because he couldn't support himself. Spinal Bifida perhaps?

But anyway the point was that although the dad was busy studying on the train, his attention was all on his son. As the son slept and his head seemed to grow too heavy all of a sudden, his dad was there to cradle it and help support the weight. And when his son resisted his dad's attempts to guide his head back on the pram, his dad just left his hand there to act as a pillow. All this time, his dad just looked on lovingly.

Then when his son started coughing, his dad's anxiety showed in the way he stroked his son's chest in order to ease his son's discomfort. Constantly, he never looked away form his son.

The son woke up after the coughing fit and started to laugh. It was then that you could see the worry and anxiety disappear from the dad's face. He proceeded to kiss his son's hands lovingly before they continued to play with each other and they were so happy. I could feel myself smiling with the dad.

Real Life Cephalus

Watch 'Cephalus' (Plato's Republic, Book I) in action...

Within Every Temple of Joy, Melancholia Has Her Sovereign Shrine

The more you love something, the greater your desire to retain it always.

But the greater the desire, the greater the fear you have of losing it.

Happiness tempered by perpetual feelings of fear. Seems like the natural fact of life.

Sky News Anchor Gets Trashed

Watch and enjoy Galloway trash the news anchor in an interview on the current invasion of Lebanon by Israel.

Thrasymachaean Politics

Having had time to consider what I've been saying in my recent posts, I've just realised that I enjoy slapping myself and eating my own words. Lol. Allow me to explain.

After having read Plato's Republic I kept feeling the need to defend Thrasymachus. In a nutshell, he embodies the notion that justice is the advantage of the stronger and that it is just on the part of the ruled to obey their leaders (337c, 339c). This is essentially the story that our government has been trying to sell us.

And there I was lamenting how they always try to take the moral high ground.

Of course they had to. Only by taking the moral high ground can one anchor one's power so firmly such that it becomes authority. And only when the citizens of the polis feel deeply that they are unjust in questioning the incumbent will they practice self-censorship of their behaviour. This saves the government time and resources to further its own aims.

I don't like it.

Somehow my academic self and actual self differ from each other. When others were telling me that Thrasymachus' position is a crazy position to defend, I disagreed vehemently, arguing that it is a natural fact of life. Just deal with it I thought.

I thought wrong.

I was being wilful before. How am I going to square reality and theory? I don't know. Anyway having said all this, I do realise that, as the main villian in the Republic, Thrasymachus stands for something very important. What exactly does he stand for I'm still not sure. But I'll figure it out somehow.

And I'll continue to let my academic and actual selves continue to do battle.

Same Old Shit, Different Strokes

Yesterday I noticed something interesting and, yet, irritating whilst watching the footage on what SBS Transit is doing with when the train was held up in the tunnel. There were members of staff from Transit who were wearing brightly coloured vests that had the following words on their backs: Goodwill Ambassador.

Where may I ask is the supposed GOODWILL that they are showing? Is the goodwill displayed in that Transit actually considered that patrons will be confused and frustrated and hence catered for people to direct them? Is the goodwill displayed in how these "ambassadors" are pacifying the crowd?

Hmm it's funny how the word "goodwill" is now used when describing acts of fulfilling one's duty and obligations. Apparently I must have misunderstood that acts of goodwill are supposed to be beyond the call of duty. I must have misunderstood that for the past 2 decades or so. Amazing. My command of english sucks.

And that was issue Number 1.

Issue number 2 is that suddenly our train and bus fares have risen again. They have magically risen after the hike in taxi rides. Oh my, I think I should have to start jogging really soon as I might not be able to take any public transport in future. Once again the same old crap about staying competitive and accomodating for rising costs is bandied.

And also how such fare increases are shared among the large population so much so that it's negligible.

And how oil prices have increased such that this fare increase is needed. If that is so, how come I don't see any fare decreases when oil prices go down. Oh that's right, oil prices might have gone down from a record high but it still beats all the other years and hence we have to maintain our fare hike. My bad my bad. I'm such a bastard for not understanding.

Suddenly the SGD 700 seems so little. Unless someone from the government is able to guarantee that my 700 bucks can cover ALL (and I mean ALL categorically) the little increases for the next...hmm let's see....6-7 years till the next elections, my wish is for the fucking government to just keep these lousy handouts to themselves and use it to actually stave off these increases. That will be a real surprise.

Now isn't this such a great way to usher the arrival of another National Day celebration? I sure wish I had gotten hold of some of those National Day parade tickets. With them, I could have at least sold them and gotten some cash to tide me over the increases for awhile.

I Wish I'm Not Here...

In conjunction with the mrbrown fracas, this video is an example of the rights that we "Singaporeans"* are missing out on:

Every Breath You Take by Dean Glenn from Columbia Business School

No need to fear litigation from the one entity that is supposed to guarantee you your rights. Social Contract? What Social Contract?! Bah!!! Social Imprisonment more likely.

*I use quotation marks cuz I'm not so sure what it means to be Singaporean anymore. When we don't get priority treatment it make me wonder about the term "love of one's own". Apparently one's own is not as good as one's other.

Vox Populi Vox Dei

“Man is/was born free, and everywhere he is in chains.” (Social Contract 1.1)

The recent mr brown fracas with MICA has revived in me a long standing point of contention that I have with the local government - their high-handed nature when coming down on people with views that go against theirs. Always claiming the moral high ground, they have no doubt exhibited great arrogance and pomposity when it comes to us “mere mortals”.

“Instead of a diatribe mr brown should offer constructive criticism and alternatives.”

Mr K Bhavani's tone seems to indicate that unless one has any kind of solution at all, one should just shut up and accept the status quo without even the slightest whimper. Quiet acquiescence is seen as the virtue in our garden city. Why can’t we raise our concerns even though we do not have any solution? Aren’t our holier-than-thou ministers being paid millions a year to think of such solutions? Democracy by definition means that everyone is entitled to a say in how things are run in the country. Yet, apparently, our right is being curtailed and sanctioned unjustly. Rousseau was right. The government is here to serve and not rule the people. Its job, not entitlement, is to listen to our concerns and act upon them such that the country is modeled in our image. Not yours. All mr brown is doing here is to highlight the concerns of the masses since he has access to a medium – the media - that many people do not. Instead of calling him a partisan political player, mr brown is a civic conscious citizen who fulfilled his duty to the rest of Singapore by attempting to make a difference for the invisible, silent and suffering majority.

“And he should come out from behind his pseudonym to defend his views openly.”

Anybody who surfs the internet on a regular basis or is active in the blogging community knows that mr brown’s life is very much a public affair. Contrary to the groundless accusation that K Bhavani levels against mr brown, mr brown has been extremely open about his private life, never hesitating to give outsiders a view into his world. But, of course, delusions of having the moral high ground has inadvertently clouded Bhavani’s judgement so much so that mr brown must be the villainous vaudevillian who is bent on “encourag[ing] cynicism and despondency” amongst the demos. What audacity! To paint a better picture, mr brown exemplifies the spirit of ‘V’ and not his modus operandi.

“It is not the role of journalists or newspapers in Singapore to champion issues, or campaign for or against the Government.”

If it is not the role of journalists or newspapers in Singapore to champion issues against the government, then what may I ask is its role? To propagate only the happy news which keep the people in the thrall of the government? To cloud their judgment and present the illusion that all is well and, hence, there is no need for any form of questioning and critical analyses? Why not call it the PAP daily newsletter then? By virtue of this line, Bhavani has only implied that the newspapers in Singapore are not independent of the government. Such a pity since this is something that his colleagues have been trying to deny for years. Good job Bhavani.

What I have said thus far only serves to exemplify how right Rousseau was. The demos should rule themselves and not leave it to a group of self-proclaimed elites who constantly crow about how much the people are indebted to them for having brought Singaporeans to a world where “comfortable commodious living” (Allan Bloom, Closing of The American Mind) is a reality. They must realize, what more remember, that it is their duty to do so for its citizens. Man in modern day Singapore is the perfect example of how he is only free in the voting booth where he actually has a choice* after which he gladly exchanges his freedom for the flower-laden chains that the government imposes on him thereafter. Granted, mr brown’s tone in his article was a tad sarcastic and harsh, it has made the masses more aware and the government more accountable (I hope). And if this is the only way to do it, then I encourage more Singaporeans to carry on the torch that mr brown has been judiciously bearing. We need an enlightened demos more than an enlightened elite.

*For the sake of simplicty, I shall just assume that we actually have a free and open political system where oppostion parties are not unjustly oppressed.

Waste Not Want Not...

Ok while today's post is a tad bit different from my usual reflective posts, it is nevertheless still an observation. It is something that I've been wondering for years but have never been able to find an answer for.

Why does shit float at certain times while sink at other times?

I don't get it. I mean what do we eat that is less dense than water? Considering that shit is essentially what we eat, shouldn't all shit sink? Why does it float sometimes? Weird.

King of the World

The past 4 days have been amazing to say the least. Having waited weeks for the 28th to come, it finally did and I set off to meet Dee at the travel agency. We were going on our first holiday together!!!

We endured 5 hours on the bus together . Well...maybe "endured" isn't the correct word to use since I have Dee for company. Yeah, "enjoyed" is more apt. Thta's right. We enjoyed 5 hours on the bus together. Heh heh.

The trip was great considering that I haven't been to Genting in close to 20 years. Reassuring to see that some things don't change (ie. The 'Antique Car' ride lol) and refreshing that there's alot more to do now than before since the whole place was renovated. It was familiar yet novel at the same time.

But even then this trip wouldn't have been all that great if I didn't go with Dee. She made all the difference. We talked, spent time together, enjoyed ourselves, laughed and did a whole load of other things together that created many many beautiful memories. I was glad that even though sometimes there were moments of silence, they weren't awkward silences. Rather, we were comfortable in that silence and enjoying every moment of it. It is a gift if a couple can be comfortable in silence for this means that there is something between them that needs no expression through words. Maybe we have finally bonded emotionally on another level. I finally know what it means to get lost in a person's eyes. Never have I felt so comforted by someone beside me before. When she embraces me, I feel like the king of the world, ready to take on anything and everything.

When we were back in Singapore having our dinner last night, she commented that I was an arrogant bastard lolz.

My reply?

"With a girlfriend like you, how not to be arrogant?"

My Girlfriend

My Girlfriend...

She's supportive.
She's understanding.
She's simple and not materialistic.
She's pretty.
She's not clingy.
She loves me.

I am an A-S-S...

Because I haven't paid her as much attention as I should have.
Because I sometimes pick on minor faults of hers.
Because I don't tell her how much I love her often enough.
Because I sometimes forget that I'm attached and just do pretty much whatever I like.
Because there are a whole host of other things that I should and shouldn't have done.
Because I am an A-S-S

I'm really sorry Dear, I promise to treasure you more and treat you the way you should be treated. You deserve better than the piece of crap that I am.