This Is Me...

You are a Visionary
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Your imagination, self-assuredness, and knowledge of the world combine to make you a VISIONARY.
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You have clear notions of how things could be, and the confidence to try to make them that way.
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You enjoy having a routine, and prefer comfort and familiarity to risk and adventure.
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Not needing others' approval to forge ahead, you are confident in your designs for the future.
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Your imagination allows you to envision the world as a better place.
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You're better at thinking of the big picture than you are with details, and you can see wonder in abstract things.
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Style and appearances are important to you, and you have a good eye for beauty.
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You are somewhat rigid in your beliefs, which comes from both confidence and an aversion to change.
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You are good at creating works of art in forms with which you're familiar.
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You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
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You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.

If you want to be different:
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Appreciate the earthly, functional elements of things.
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Your clarity of vision sometimes prevents you from being open to new ideas. Try expanding your horizon of experiences, and experimenting with novel ways of doing things.



You are Attentive
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Because you like spending time with others, understand their feelings, and often know what is best for them, you are ATTENTIVE.
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Some people are merely concerned about others, but you take action, helping people when you have the opportunity.
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Although you care about others, you are hesitant to trust them to act in the best way on their own.
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You don't let your concerns with people go unnoticed: if someone has hurt your feelings, that person will hear about it.
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People energize and excite you—you are able to have fun and be yourself when you're around others.
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You also learn a lot about yourself by talking things out with people, even if you don't always share things that are important to you.
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You have a strong sense of right and wrong, and you're not hesitant to express yourself.
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Understanding the dynamics of a situation is an important skill that you have, and you often intervene to clarify things for others.

If you want to be different:
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You care about people, but finding the ones you can truly trust will allow you to get closer to them.
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While you have strong opinions about what is right and wrong in the world, you risk coming across as judgmental—be sure to consider different perspectives when voicing your opinion.

Death and Rebirth

The death of this current blog is but a facilitation of its rebirth in the following incarnation:

http://lerougeetlenoir.wordpress.com/

Best thing to happen in awhile...

Now that I've had time to let it sink in, let me put it out here.

Yesterday I received a pleasant surprise. My supervisor told me that I did an excellent job with my ISM. This is surprising indeed considering how I felt that I didn't make some of the connections very well. Coupled with Sam's comments that the driving force of the ISM was a bit weak, it's easy to imagine why his comments were suprising.

Then he said something that made me feel damn good...

"If you send this in as a piece of sample writing, I would think that even the Committee of Social Thought would be forced to seriously consider it."

*STUNNED*

Committee of Social Thought?! That's like every S******an wannabe's wet dream. To get into the hallowed halls built by THE idol.

Then he said something even better...

"I'm proud to have you as my student."

It's the best news that I could hear from him. Considering how I kinda fucked up the first paper - yes THAT paper that bordered on plagiarism - I wrote for him I really wanted to do well for him so that I could repay the effort that he had invested in me all these years.

A vindication of my life as an undergrad.

True justice is to be just simply

The Glauconian articulation of the truly just man is for him to be just for its own sake, without having an eye towards its rewards. On the contrary, to be truly just it to lead a wretched life. Why, then, would we want to be just? Is it worth it?

That I can ask this question already presupposes the difficulty of being just simply. Somehow the motivation to be just is always tempered with a utilitarian schema, tempered with some form of rational cost-benefit calculation.

So if it is so hard (or impossible) to be just for its own sake, is it time for us to re-evaluate our conditions of being just?

Because the desire to look towards one's own benefit is always alot stronger than the good of someone else when they come into conflict. Do I look after myself (even though it might be ethically dubious) or do I tend to the needs of others because it is right (but inherently unpleasant to one's self)? It is something that we inevitably have to face instead of sweeping it under the carpet and pretend that it's not there.

The inexorable call to look after Number One grows increasingly tempting indeed.

Finger Eleven - Slow Chemical

The wonder of the world is gone and old for sure

All the wonder that I would have found in her

As a hole becomes another strike to burn
An old flame returns

Every intuition fails to find it's way
One more table turned around I'm back again

Finding I'm a lost and found when she's not around
When she's not around I feel it coming down

Get me what I could never ask for
Connect me and you could be my chemical NOW

Give me the drug you know I'm after
Connect me and you could be my chemical

When everybody wants (the chemical of) your soul

When everybody wants (the chemical of) your soul

Slow and
Everybody wants you
So
Slow and
Everybody wants your soul

Give me what I could never ask for
connect me and you could be my chemical NOW

Give me the drug you know I'm after
Connect me and you could be the chemical

You could be the chemical
You could be the chemical
You could be the chemical
You could be the chemical

Stepping out...

...of one quagmire into another quagmire. What gives?

The temptation is to simply give in and sink...

The disconcerting calm after the tempestuous storm...

"I feel displaced at home so I came to school."
- Denise

Yup I can empathise with Denise. After the hustle and bustle of work with our balls-to-the-wall attitude it certainly feels strange now that there is a short respite before we start studying for our final set of exams. In fact "strange" does not even cut it. Disconcerting is more apt. When all your life there is always something to focus your mind, it is unsettling now that the reality of having finished our *LAST* assignment in NUS has hit home. There is no more next time.

So I guess this is it...

It's been a crazy 3 weeks what with the ISM and essays all due consecutively. A constant rush to fight against time and the inexorable call of the sandman. But as planned, adrenaline took over after the first 2 days and tiredness became something you grew numb to. You become a machine, churning out word after word without hesitation. When one paragraph is over, you move to the next. When one page is finished, you start on the next. When one paper is over, you begin the next. Everyday you survive on just 3-4 hours of sleep a day. And loads of caffeine. Amazing how much beating the human body can take at once.

But is it really so...that the human body can take that much abuse?

I think not. Focusing the mind's eye to the not too distant past, I see in my head a movie of everything that transpired for the last 4 years. More vivid were year 2 and honours year. Those were years when I immersed myself in the company of friends whom I knew would remain so forever. Like minded individuals from disparate backgrounds all congregating at this tiny place called AS1. All congregating at this place we call home in one way or another. I smile as I replay this video of the comings and goings of each day in school in my head. I smile because these were the days that I shared with each and everyone of my friends. Where all of them formed an inextricable jigsaw piece of my life. And if any single one were to disappear, a part of me would definitely be lost forever. They infused meaning in my otherwise dour existence. The intellectual highs, the comforting camaraderie, the touching scenes of troubles shared, the boisterous revelry, the forging ahead together when work piles up...all these were but a fraction of the sharing, caring and support that saw me through everything. It's not the physiological but the emotional that saw me through it all. It was not so much force of will as it was the pillars of strength propping me up.

A man is only as strong as the support of the friends he has. And I am glad to say that I am ONE. BLOODY. STRONG. MOTHERFUCKER.

So I guess this is it... My undergraduate life is coming to an end and, with it, so does the well worn path that I've been walking with my friends. It is with a heavy heart and tear filled eyes that I prepare to bid this amazing, amazing life of fortune farewell.

I really don't want to.

Another Year Older, Another Year of Experience

This year got off to an awful start. My girlfriend left me for a motherfucking bastard, preferring to be another statistic in someone else's bingo book than be the centre of my universe. What makes things worse is that I can't even hate her utterly and completely so that I can just say, "Fuck this shit. I'm sooo moving on with my life." I guess, up to a certain extent, I still love her deeply and will love her forever. That lousy bitch.

Then it took a simple birthday for me to realize, no remember, that I still mattered to so many people. That if she didn't care there are still others who actually do.

First, I must thank my family for reminding me that at the end of the day there is still somewhere that I can retreat to. Nevermind the fact that they don't know the whole story. It's enough that my family is a place that I can seek solace in with no questions asked. Unconditional it is.

Second, thanks go out to Denise and Shao for listening to me and being there for me when I needed support the most. Thanks for not laughing and trivialising the issue when I cried my eyes out. Thanks for sitting there and silently providing me with the support that I needed. An extra shout out to Denise for having to juggle my problems with Dee's requests despite her stress from her thesis. I owe you big time Denise. And thanks for the book by Stendahl. When you described its contents to me, I felt that nobody understood me this well. I'm touched by the effort you took to choose a book that you think would speak to me. Thank you.

Third, thanks go out to the original AS1 gang for being there for me all the time even though I haven't been able to join you guys that often in the past year or so. Thank you for remembering my birthday and celebrating it with me and taking time off from your busy schedules for this little fucker here who was late. Thank you for being the people that I look up to and hope never to disappoint. Nothing I say will be enough to describe the impact on my life that you guys made. It goes far beyond all the outings and parties we have.

Fourth, to the new AS1 gang who joined me thanks for injecting it with the familiar familial feelings once again. It was getting lonely for a semester till you guys decided to come by and sit here too! Lolz. It's always fun with you guys around and I always look forward to going to school all the time. Without you guys things would propbably be very different and I wouldn't have it any other way. Nick and Stephe, thanks for constantly asking after me. I know you guys prolly don't have the whole picture but your presence have not gone unnoticed. And thanx for the surprise party that you guys threw for me even though I kinda walked in on you guys. Haha.

Lastly thanks must also go out to the history guys who have been so welcoming. Paul, Sida, Zoo, Edgar, Najib, Rachel and Jamie - thanks for making me feel like one of you guys. You guys had no reason to include me but you guys did nevertheless and that speaks alot about the kind of people you guys are. Sida and Rachel, thanks for scouring various Cold Storages for my momo prezzies even though you guys have your thesis drafts due on Monday. Jamie: Thanks for the little notes that you write and for that wonderful wonderful smile. It can make any gloomy day sun shiny again. Zoo, Paul, Edgar and Najib: Thanks for the constant Smackdowns we've been dishing out to each other. It's hard enough for people to come together but it's even harder for people to play together like they've known each other for a long time. And yet we've managed to do that. It definitely says something.

I've depended on all of you for more things than I can ever hope to repay at one point or another. I might not say it or express it out loud but I never forget who has been good to me. At the moment, I can only thank you guys in this way but know that my gratitude for you guys cannot ever be understated in anyway and can never be overemphasized enough.

Aporia

It's been exactly two months since we broke up. Days and nights pass and yet the pain continues to eat away at me relentlessly. I bury myself in work during the day to surpress the throbbing and make life bearable. But if you've experienced what a bad headache is like, you know it never really goes away. You just live with the pain and hope that it doesn't drive you insane.

In school it's still ok because of the many distractions. Anger and frustration and murderous intent can be channeled towards video games where nobody gets hurt. But it, nevertheless, is still an illusion. Sometimes the temptation to inflict real damage is so compelling that it really takes some form of insane willpower not to give in to it. I don't know how much longer I can keep it in.

The problem really arises at night during the short period that you lie in bed and wait to fall asleep. The dead of the night is the best time for reflection and contemplation. But it is also the time when I start to remember. Memories are the worst because you actually re-live each and every event when you play it out in your head. The agony of reliving it all over again makes me wish that I was a retard so that the fucking pain will just disappear. With each thought, despair and anger wells up. Until the point where I'm not sure if I ever believe in anything now. Vanity, vanity, everything is vanity. So what's the point in trying so hard sometimes? Why bother when others don't bother?

Sleep is not any better. Almost every night I dream of her. There's even once when I dreamt of her three times in the same night. The dreams were reflections of times from a better past, a past when I felt that I was the most fortunate person in the world. The beautiful dream gives way to an almost unlivable present the moment I wake up. The disappointment from realising that the past will remain so only serves to heighten the already implacable sorrow that threatens to drown me. Every morn of the new day is but a perpetual reminder of the loss that you feel and that you cannot escape from it; that you're destined to feel it in its entirety.

So the question that begs to be answered is "What next?" Honestly I don't know. Just as the abyss stares back at you the longer you stare at it, the number of questions multiply as I try to answer the question of "What next?".

I can't take it anymore.

No Leaf Clover

"Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel
Is just a freight train coming your way
Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel
Is just the freight train coming your way..."
- Metallica

Sometimes when you think that things seem to be better, it turns out only to be the start of something worse. You don't know how to make yourself better and yet you cannot simply let loose for fear that it'll destroy all the good work that you've done so far. You start to wonder if everything is still worth it and if carrying on is the way to go. The inevitable cross roads rush up to meet you. But, almost immediately, you gather yourself and continue forward on the original path just because you feel that the alternative will kill you. The only danger is that, very often, we keep hoping that the light at the end of the tunnel is really just that - the light at the end of the tunnel. But when we run straight into the freight train once, we still think that we can overcome it. The next glimmer of light must surely be opening and not simply another juggernaut to run you down. Surely the time will come when your effort will do enough to bring you out into the open. Surely if you persevere you'll get what you think you deserve.

You long to bask once again in the warm light instead of thrashing around in the dark like a walking corpse, constantly striving for that all important meaning to rid your cadavar of the nihilistic chains. So you strive as best as you can. By waiting. Because that is all that is permitted of you at the moment.

If waiting is all I can do, then I'll play my part and await her return. Surely.